(The following communication was intercepted by our hacking team. Marked Top Secret.)
From: Her Majesty's Ambassador to the province of America.
To: Whomsoever is appointed as nominal 'President' of the province.
Dear Mr Trump/Ms Clinton,
Her Majesty's Government assume the USA elite understand how to mitigate the effects of paedophiles being exposed within government.
However, to ensure that no errors of judgement are made, it behoves us as Her Majesty's Government to offer timely and prudent reminders to our dear American cousins as to how this type of matter may be handled.
Rest assured that, to quote our much maligned servant Mr Hitler, “The receptivity of the masses is very limited, their intelligence is small, but their power of forgetting is enormous.”
Dear friends, follow our example and you need fear nothing!
Firstly can we demonstrate how to set up an enquiry:
To summarise: Lose important and incriminating documents. Then have the head of the enquiry resign. Then have the next head resign. Then the next! Understand that the public will say very little as the months turn into years, for the next episode of a soap opera is far more important to them than someone murdering and eating their children.
Yes, it is so!
While you are at it, have other staff members resign, so that the whole thing is in utter turmoil. So:
These matters are so simple to arrange.
Secondly, ensure that the police officers that investigate any allegations are 'on side'. Here's how we handled one such enquiry:
The words “move along there, nothing to see here” spring to mind!
If you can, (and this is to be preferred) have a paedophile conduct the investigation, thus:
Thirdly, make any report sound awfully convincing and authoritative, for example this one from an enquiry into our Commonwealth kiddy fiddlers:
Do you see?
It is important to shut down enquiries after a while and make categoric statements that the thousands of complainants were utter liars and that, of course, nobody in Government ever touched a child inappropriately, not once, not ever.
(On that note, Her Majesty would care to remind Her servant Mr Joe Biden to please refrain from public displays of his affectionate nature. It simply won't do! Her Majesty was displeased by the following display, recorded on an electronic device:)
We are, Sir/Ms, your most attentive Ambassador,
The Lord Abraxus of Dolphin Square.