(The following communication was intercepted by our hacking team. Marked Top Secret.)
From:
Her Majesty's Ambassador to the province of America.
To:
Whomsoever is appointed as nominal 'President' of the province.
Dated:
26/11/2016
TOP
SECRET.
Dear
Mr Trump/Ms Clinton,
Her Majesty's Government assume the USA elite understand how to mitigate the effects of
paedophiles being exposed within government.
However,
to ensure that no errors of judgement are made, it behoves us as Her
Majesty's Government to offer timely and prudent reminders to our
dear American cousins as to how this type of matter may be handled.
Rest
assured that, to quote our much maligned servant Mr Hitler, “The
receptivity of the masses is very limited, their intelligence is
small, but
their power of forgetting is enormous.”
Dear
friends, follow our example and you need fear nothing!
Firstly
can we demonstrate how to set up an enquiry:
To
summarise: Lose important and incriminating documents. Then have the
head of the enquiry resign. Then have the next head resign. Then the
next! Understand that the public will say very little as the
months turn into years, for the next episode of a soap opera is
far more important to them than someone murdering and eating their
children.
Yes,
it is so!
While
you are at it, have other staff members resign, so that the whole
thing is in utter turmoil. So:
These
matters are so simple to arrange.
Secondly,
ensure that the police officers that investigate any allegations are
'on side'. Here's how we handled one such enquiry:
The
words “move along there, nothing to see here” spring to mind!
If
you can, (and this is to be preferred) have a paedophile conduct the
investigation, thus:
Thirdly,
make any report sound awfully convincing and authoritative, for
example this one from an enquiry into our Commonwealth kiddy
fiddlers:
Do
you see?
It is
important to shut down enquiries after a while and make categoric
statements that the thousands of complainants were utter liars and
that, of course, nobody in Government ever touched a child
inappropriately, not once, not ever.
(On
that note, Her Majesty would care to remind Her servant Mr Joe Biden
to please refrain from public displays of his affectionate nature. It
simply won't do! Her Majesty was displeased by the following display, recorded on an electronic device:)
We are, Sir/Ms, your most attentive Ambassador,
The Lord Abraxus of Dolphin Square.
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